God Packs Up and Walks Out On Earth

God really has it tough you know. He created the universe, the Heavens, the Earth, and then a species to revere him. His people were ostensibly put on the Earth to do good and eventually meet him in Heaven. He made religion to outline rules about how to make it into Heaven. These religions often speak about God’s plan, His mission, and His destiny for all his creations. However, things of course are not going according to plan. Take a look around and you’ll see some of what I mean, but then there is a new matter at hand recently. A story was told to one of the members of our editorial staff by a male who claims he can see limitedly into the future.

Apparently, the young man received a vision of his mother sending him to the store for a purchase. Instead of going straight off on his mother’s request he walked to his friend’s house. He knocked on the door and received no response. Eventually he went around the back and found his friend on the ground in a pool of blood with a knife in his hand. Shortly later, his mother made the same exact request. Like a bolt he ran off to his friend’s house and immediately went to the back door. Not waiting for the standard knocking and response, he kicked the door in. He found the friend holding the knife in his hand, poised to draw his own blood. He’d saved his friend’s life from himself. However, the young man now feels horrible about himself. Inaction would have had a person he cares about die, and yet action is considered reprehensible to himself. I know, you’re asking yourself why, why in God’s name someone would feel bad about saving a life. It is, ironically, in God’s name that this feeling is born and justified.

The feeling here is that saving his friend was disrupting fate. He believed that his friend was meant to die, and that he interfered in fate’s design. The fact that if fate wanted his friend to die he’d be dead never seemed to cross his mind. Also, the idea that his gift might be for saving people seemed equally foreign. He felt horrid for saving life, credited God’s design with the feelings, and now lives with the knowledge that people will die, and how, and lets it happen. In response, God decided that Earth was full of morons. He’s thinking Mars is looking good for a new civilization, and is moving forward there. It’s ironic that the part of humanity that finally killed God was not the atheists, but a believer. The CDNews staff congratulates God for taking a stand, despite the fact that our sad little planet is now alone. We also would like to urge scientists to continue the research for the mission to Mars, our staff… that is so humanity can meet with God again.

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News Nibblet

Update: More computer parts were stolen, this time from Green Hall and a different room in the Science Complex. The radical notion that doors be locked comes to mind again, and this time, we are not so sure that it is out of the question.

TCNJ Spreads their Love About, Helping People and Saving the Environment

In a recent survey, it seems that almost fifty percent of the college's freshmen class is giving their time to the community, helping others rather than themselves this semester. Of those who are not currently doing so, almost all of them did so last semester. This is an amazing trend; in the course of a year nearly 100% of all college freshmen are volunteering their time to the community. In fact, each of them gave around ten full hours. This is quite and achievement for a group so often stereotyped as vain, self-interested, and immoral.

We, at Completely Different News, applaud the students of The College of New Jersey. Don't let the fact that service is a required element of course that is required for graduation change your opinion of these students. Don’t let that knowledge hurt your opinion of the school either, because they’re certainly touting the amount of service done by their students. While the editorial staff applauds the students for doing what is required of them, our Public Relations department applauds former President Eickoff. Eickoff is the man responsible for the creation of this wonderful course, and doubtless he was thinking in advance to the fact that he could use the required service to make the college look better. Apparently, this was merely practice for the spin he had to put on his embezzlement, which netted him a cafeteria/dormitory named after him. [In a well known but sadly poorly documented scandal, Eickoff embezzled $10 million from the school, but due to the Oedipus Complex that The College of New Jersey suffers from the matter was not referred to the police, but rather he was given the opportunity to return the money as a 'donation,' and then he was to resign from his position as president. Having your president embezzle large amounts of money cannot be good for the image of the school, so we can understand this desire to settle quietly. However, due to the size of the 'donation,' protocol dictates that a building be named after him, hence Eickoff Hall. It is for this reason that the editorial staff refers to Eickoff Hall by its previous name, Commons, or merely as Pirate's Cove. The question remains though, whether matters got better or worse when Gitenstein took over –Ed.] This pirate [On top of the obvious stealing, he also has an eye patch and a prosthetic leg – Ed.] is a personal hero of several members of CDN’s Public Relations department. Then again, our PR department, like PR departments everywhere, is full of scum.

Today, one of our reporters was able to go on site with one of the service learning groups. A group of three students was to go to work at the headquarters of the Stony Brook - Millstone Watershed Association. This is an environmentalist group, and their mandate is to police the area known as… well, the Stony Brook – Millstone Watershed. They plant trees, fight erosion, check water quality, teach people about the environment, and do various other things to save our environment from ourselves. However, today was a special treat. The environmentalist group used its troupe of volunteers to empty file cabinets, remove the drawers from said file cabinets, take the files and cabinets down to a waiting truck, and then unload the files and cabinets at a building about a quarter mile away. Let this be a lesson to all of you readers, moving cabinets can save the environment.

Additionally, our reporter asked one of the students what was done in the previous session. Apparently, the two males shoveled a porch and walkway, moved random scrap wood and metal away from an apartment using their nicely shoveled walkway, and then did some touch-up painting on the inside of the apartment. Also, the student mentioned something about dragging a mattress with a truck, but details are sketchy at best. The female with their group, along with an older student who was there for some unknown reason, helped to tear down those pesky stereotypical gender roles by cleaning sinks, bathrooms and vacuuming the floors. It seems the apartment, which incidentally is apparently haunted, is going to be used to house interns for the SBMWA to live in when they have to be in the area. It wasn’t made clear exactly what these interns were for, except that they are apparently all attractive, young females. CDN hopes we don’t see a repeat of the Clinton scandal right in our own backyard. Well, if they give us exclusive coverage of the scandal, we actually are hoping for it. The message from this is clear though, dragging objects of any kind, be they scrap metal, mattresses, or file cabinets, is a clear and obvious way to save the environment. In cases where touch-up painting is required, doing that can certainly aid the environment. Don’t worry about doing any of the classic environment saving things; they apparently aren’t worth the effort.

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News Nibblets

• As reported by The Signal three flat panel monitors, a computer processor, and some memory was stolen from the science complex over the weekend of February 08th. This is not the first such incident of theft from the newly completed science complex. The suggestion was made to one of our staff that college staff might perhaps lock the doors, but CDN is unsure whether such a radical action is truly warranted.
  
• Due to the snowstorm that rocked our campus, as well as the rest of the state, cable connectivity was lost. The college made repeated calls to its cable service provider, and eventually the connection was restored. However, connection was not restored in time for students to view the finale to the acclaimed series Joe Millionaire. In order to appease the students, an email was sent out with the following message: "Zora from Lambertville was the final choice on Joe Millionare." Don’t mind the misspelling of Millionaire, because it was sent out by the college Office of Telecommunications in that fashion, so it must be right. Sadly, an episode of American Idol was missed during this time as well, so none of the students could vote for their favorite of the current eight to go on to the top ten. At the time of this writing connectivity has been restored. It is for the best, because if the connection was not restored in time for the finale of another acclaimed series,The Bachelorette, it is unknown what would have happened. All that is known is that it would not have been pretty.
  

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That is all of the news fit to report for today. At the moment there is no where for you to send your love/hate mail, so please keep your comments to yourselves for the moment if you can’t address the editor directly. The mail staff will be severely beaten until a repository for your comments can be established. Please be patient, and perhaps write down your comments in advance so you don’t forget your love/hatred.

-CDN Ed. Chris

Breaking News: Gitenstein is a Tool

Recently, the northeast region of the United States was blanketed with a large sum of snow, at least 15 inches in the local area. In light of this snowstorm, The College of New Jersey, as well as all of the schools in the area responded by closing school down. In fact, this was the state mandate, as a state of emergency was declared. However, the situation was not looking to be very good by this morning, so Gitenstein, in her infinite wisdom, cancelled all classes before 12:30. This is contrary to the fact that Rutgers, Rider, Rowan, Muhlenberg, Lehigh, Lafayette, and all Ewing Township Public schools were closed in advance. No, there was no reason to be in agreement with the rest of the academic community, or at least our President felt so. In actuality, we were not completely alone in our avoidance of completely closing classes. Princeton University, nearby Ivy League university, was open for all classes. Long standing allegations that TCNJ is the bastard son of Princeton, and has a severe Oedipus Complex are flaring brightly now, as it seems in an attempt to one up the respected institution classes were allowed to occur today, but some time was given to let crews better clear the roadways for commuters and professors. The fact that at 12:00 it was snowing, mucking up the already slick roads, as predicted is wholly irrelevant.

Of course, many professors recognized the folly of this plan. Many classes were cancelled on account of the fact that the professors, professional educators, had the presence of mind to realize that going out in these conditions was less than intelligent. Kudos to the President of our institution for not realizing it herself.

In a related matter, Gitenstein has gone on record with the local, and obviously biased, newspaper The Signal in response to budget cuts by governor McGreevy, stating that "we are beginning by looking at places to limit expenditures..." She has also apparently spoken with Student Government Association leaders and other campus leaders about the matter. In spite of this, Union Latina is bringing actress Jamie Lynn Sigler to campus to speak at their Latin Awareness Celebration. To the knowledge of the CDN staff, we had never heard of anything Latin, so this celebration of awareness must be a good idea. The relevance to the budget, however, comes from the fact that Ms. Sigler's bill totals $13,260. This includes $12,500 for speaking, $230 for her limousine because she apparently can't afford transportation on her own, $10 for tolls, and $520 for security. It is the opinion of CDN that transportation and security are really her problem given the exorbitant rate she is charging to speak in the first place. However apparently in spite of the budget cuts from this year and that will be affecting us next year, The College of New Jersey has plenty of money to spend on frivolous matters such as expensive actresses. Completely Different News hopes that there are at least half as many participants at UL’s LAC as there were at the recent “Minority Experience,” which means at least three. $13,260 is an awful lot of money to spend on fewer than three people, but six or, dare I suggest a 150% increase, nine people would make it all worthwhile. Kudos to the President of our institution for not seeing the flagrant stupidity of this decision herself.

These two errors in judgement have a caused an outrage. Some students vowed not to go to class even if the professors didn't cancel. Others merely screamed their violent vehemence out loud. At least one sad individual was pushed so far that he wasted at least an hour of his life creating a faux news site for the sole purpose of flaming Gitenstein. Our hearts go out to that poor, twisted individual.

In the wake of such outrage the CDN staff has conducted two perfectly scientific studies. The first, an open ended survey of the opinion of students toward Gitenstein yielded some very colorful quotations. One student remarked, “Gitenstein is a bitch.” Another stated that “Gitenstein should drown in the blood of a thousand slain goats.” Several students voiced the opinion, “Git is a tool.” Yet another said, "Gitenstein is proof that there is a God, because something must offset this terrible evil." We at CDN cannot endorse those opinions, but a third opinion presented itself more than one goats, giving rise to the second survey. The question was, “would you be inclined to agree with the statement, ‘Gitenstein is a tool,’ or not?” Of the students surveyed, few students disagreed with the statement. Apparently, the four people who answered that “Git is a tool,” in the open ended survey were not alone in their feeling; they merely were the minority in how the response was worded. Those who did not immediately respond affirmative were often swayed by knowledge of the UL proposal. The scientific findings of this survey are that Gitenstein is indeed a tool. I as an editor and member of an institution for higher learning cannot overlook scientific findings such as this. Let it be known throughout the land that R. Barbara Gitenstein is a tool, and is entitled to all the rights and privileges thereof, whatever they are exactly.

-CDN Ed. Chris

A new era of news reporting is born. Out of the ashes of the old, or more precisely the snow of the old reich, comes Completely Different News.

More on this breaking story, and the rest of the events that are shaking our world, later on. Until then, feel free to visit our lovely advertisers, simply because I say to.

-CDN Ed. Chris